Blog
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This hairstyle is on purpose?
It is very hard to find good parental staff these days… verrry hard! All I want to do in the morning is get my snack on and my Wonder Pets on, but every day I end up leaving the house looking like this.
Nice work, Mom…
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We have Splashdown!
At a little after 7:16PM on Sunday, January 23, 2011, Abigail climbed atop the U.S.S. Elmo RSTTU (Regular Sized Toilet Top Unit). Following a 12 minute sequential countdown conducted by Commander Emily Moore and Chief Potty Officer Nancy Rooks, Abigail successfully dropped VBM (Verifiable Brown Matter) into the upstairs toilet. Pandemonium ensued!
Great work, men! Operation Splashdown is a success! -
Outrage!
Oh the humanity! Let the record show that between the minutes of 11:37AM and 11:46AM on December 27, Abigail slaved to produce out of newly fallen snow an 18 inch replica of a snowman. Abigail named her magical new Arctic friend “No Mun.”
Between 3:57PM and 4:02PM on December 27, all available evidence suggests that Joanie unceremoniously* kicked “No Mun” over in a frantic attempt to enter 5 Linden. As “No Mun” toppled, fracturing into his three major spheres, Joanie was heard by Nancy to say, “gahhh… I just got snow on the top of my Uggs!,” after which she proceeded to stomp “No Mun’s” little snowman face to an unrecognizable white powder.
*When asked about the incident, Jim insisted that there was “absolutely no ceremony in the manner of that kick. I’ve never seen a snowman go down so quickly, so violently, so unceremoniously.”
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There’s still time!
Santa and me are really close! Your Xmas shopping window is measured in hours now, but there’s still time to get that perfect Abby gift!
Blah blah blah… have to go put the baby in the backpack right now.
Blah blah blah. No one reads this far any way.
Blah blah blah. Carolina Panthers suck really badly.
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Football Fumble Drills – FAIL!
Abby appears to be better at endzone dancing than at recovering fumbles:
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Kenny Rallies, Secures Week #12 First Place Loser Ribbon!
Kenny easily overmatched a coin flip! In a shocking turn of events, Kenny came back to lose by the slimmest of margins in this week’s NFL Smackdown! Always the gentleman, Kenny tried to decline the honor and to claim a tie with Emily, but that selfless move just makes Kenny all the more worthy of the First Place Loser Ribbon!
Curtis “coin-flip” James took the news in stride. “You know. Occasionally I get a game or two up, but I just seem to even out by the end. I’ll never forget the 13 game week when I got 6.5 games correct and 6.5 games incorrect. I just can’t seem to get ahead! I feel happy for Kenny, though. He deserves it! He’s been right there not winning by the tiniest of margins all season!”
Kenny outwitted a well-trained, game-picking gamecock… for second place! Revere Red was visibly upset after the conclusion of Monday Night Football.
“F’n Arizona posers! Where’s the bird support, my fowl peeps!? All I needed was one game and I could have won First Place Loser, but will a cardinal ever help a brother out!? No! They went out there and done crapped all over my car!
I’d go back to cock fighting in Tijuana this second if Michael Vick hadn’t turned everyone on to pitbulls instead of roosters. Damn you, Michael Vick! And damn you, Kenny!”
Andy’s lackluster overall record belies his healthy and accumulating yearly winnings! An almost perpetual cellar-dweller in the standings this year (save for his miraculous double tie breaker half pot victory a few weeks ago), Andy offered Kenny some sage advice.
“Consistency is a quiet killer. Doing well in the cumulative is for suckers, man. You gotta hang out on the bottom like a Bayou catfish and then strike like a piranha… at least a solitary piranha that’s still really angry and vicious… maybe more like a freshwater pike… I’m not quite settled on a species of fish… in any event, though, being almost great for a long time will never beat true weekly greatness! I was the greatest! I’ll be the greatest again! High highs spring forth from low lows; all else is but a flavor of mediocrity… like vanilla! Vanilla’s bad, Kenny! Aspire to be Coffee Heath Bar Crunch!”
Oh boy! Lastly, Barney the friendly purple dinosaur chimed in, “I love you, Kenny. I love almost everyone due to my curiously infectious theme song and well-written work-release settlement. I love kittens AND puppies roughly equally! I do not, however, love your chances of ever winning an NFL Smackdown week; I don’t love your chances at all! Let’s go play with crayons, kids!”
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Abby eats crackers!
Part #13 of a 55981 part series:
