Jani Lane’s Death Thwarts Peabody Man’s Hair Band Trifecta!

Dan Loring’s dream of seeing long-in-the-tooth reunion concerts by Def Leppard, Cinderella, and Warrant all in one glorious summer imploded early Friday as Warrant lead singer, Jani Lane, inconveniently gave up the ghost in a Woodland Hills Comfort Inn.

Reached for comment, Mr. Loring lamented Lane’s passing. “‘Cherry Pie’ was a formative… I mean… a watershed moment for me growing up on the mean streets of Northshore Massachusetts. ‘Pie’ was nearly our wedding song. I can’t believe he’s gone. He kicked so much more ass than that dude in Poison“*

Asked about his remarkable loyalty to Def Leppard, Cinderella, and Warrant, Dan detailed a laundry list of crap about the acts, and about the golden age of hair bands in general. “Def taught us that it was ok to get attached to print media, to obsess over grainy women. They paved the way for Whitesnake. Whitesnake just ripped them off, baby! Cinderella… damn dude… they said, ‘yeah… we’re Johnny-come-late on the scene rockers and all the cool names are taken, but that don’t mean nothing! We’re gonna kick ass under an effeminate nomenclature… woooo! and turn it up to eleven… no twelve!’ Warrant was like, ‘f this, man… we’re gonna lure em in with a wimpy heaven ballad and then… BOOM!.. cherry pie em! That’s right, suckers, we come at you early like message rockers a la Stryper, but just to get your girlfriends backstage!’ Genius… if there were some kind of Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, these guys would all be in there.

Assured that there actually is a Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland and that none of his favorite bands are currently in the Hall despite all having easily fulfilled the 20 year waiting period required for possible induction, Dan seemed surprised, but he quickly recovered. “Yeah… well… Ohio sucks!”

*Mrs. Loring ultimately chose a wedding song off The Carpenters’ third album.