Many of you have written me for holiday advice, so let’s take care of the most difficult part of the holidays first… the shopping!
Ebenezer writes, “Abigail, I never know what to buy and the mall crowds frighten me. Can’t we just call the whole thing off?”
Deep breaths, Ebenezer. All you’re missing is a combination of proper tools and sound technique. First, get yourself a shopping cart. Having a cart will allow you to easily wheel my gifts to the checkout line, and it will provide a safe, tortoise shell shelter if the crowds close in on you too much. I don’t know how I survived a year without one of these things! How can you baby shop effectively when you’re limited to what you can hold in your two little hands!? Start with a cart; from there it’s just baby steps to becoming a competent consumer.
Goneril writes, “sometimes I doubt myself and secretly fear, ‘what if Abby already has this pastel plastic Hasbro kitchen set?.’ It’s embarrassing. How can I get passed this phobia.”
Two tiny words, my friend: gift receipt. Don’t fight your nature; use its own weight against it!
Midas writes, “do you like white gold or yellow gold?”
I like the way you think, buddy! Nothing says happy holidays like jewelry, but honestly, I tend to wear more food these days than precious metals. The real question should be, “ketchup or mustard?” The real answer is, “depends what I’m eating wearing!” Ketchup matches my eyes and complexion better, but mustard can look damn good when I’m wearing Navy blue or black velvet. To be safe, you’d better get both… and pickle relish makes a good stocking stuffer! Now ask me what color chocolate I like!
Officer O’Malley writes, “since you have no apparent job, no money, and no allowance yet, isn’t it true, Abigail (if that is your real name), that what you’re doing is more properly termed shoplifting than shopping? Maybe you should be fitted for a baby ankle monitor rather than that mink shawl you’re pawing.”
Nothing gets by you, O’Malley… except maybe a good time.
Seriously though… we should touch on this for safety. If you’re small and under-financed, you must be prepared for such a situation. You need to learn how to react appropriately if a tall person accuses you of pesky offenses like petty larceny and grand theft tricycle. As a short person, you need to master the extremely effective, “tall person has scared me and I’m going to throw a public temper tantrum like you’ve never seen before” look.
This can get you out of practically any situation, and 9 times out of 10, they’ll be so frazzled that they’ll just let you keep whatever you’ve collected in your cart. Extra points if you get a rent-a-cop so scared that he tasers himself.
Forbes writes, “as a plastic toy shopping cart consumer and advocate, what happens when whatever you want to buy won’t fit in your tiny cart? Doesn’t cart size matter?”
It honestly hasn’t been much of an issue yet. Ponies, my friend, carry themselves and I can’t imagine any present bigger than a pony!
Happy holidays, everyone! If you’re reading, Santa, I’m a size 12 to 18 months!